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Little Johnny learns Physics

Teacher: "What is actually used as a conductor of electricity?"
Johnny: "Why? Err..."
Teacher: "Wire is right. Very good! Now tell me, what is the unit of
electrical power?"
Johnny: "The what?"
Teacher: "That's absolutely correct, the watt. Now class, you should
all study diligently like Johnny here."

Santa lands in US

Santa and Banta, both pilots, try to land an airplane in the United

They start descending and as they touch the ground, Banta screamed "The
runway is ending!"
Santa swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.

They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, Banta screams again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending!"
Santa swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.

They make a big turn and start descending again. This goes on again and again.

During their fourth descent, Santa says, "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway", "I know" answers Banta, "But look how wide they made it."

How long

A man sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2
hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your wife."


Perfect shape

Guy's wife comes home from her physical checkup at the MD’s and her hubby says, 'Well, how did it go?' She tells him, 'The doctor says I'm in perfect shape!'

Husband says, 'Oh, yeah? How about that big fat ass?' She replies, 'Actually, your name never came up!'

Banta at KBC

In one of the most popular TV shows Banta happened to be competing for the top prize, Rs 1 crore. He had won Rs 50 lakh with two lifelines left (phone a friend and 50-50).

Amitabh: Who is father of Abhishek?

A. Amitabh
B. Rajiv Gandhi
C. Sunil Gavaskar
D. Dharmendra

Banta: I know the answer, but I am not sure.

Amitabh: (Transfixed to hear this) Banta, you got 2 life lines left you can go for that.

Banta: I will go for 50-50

Amitabh: Computer, please delete two incorrect answers.

The answers left on computer screen were

C. Sunil Gavaskar
D. Dharmendra

Amitabh: (almost faints at this) Banta, what's your choice between the two?

Banta: I am still not sure of the answer, I will use my lifeline, phone a friend.

Amitabh: Ok. Whom would you like to call?

Banta: Jaya, Abhishek's mom of course.

Little Johnny eating a candy bar

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

Efficiency Expert

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Please do not try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Honey,' I suggested, 'why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

Football wedding

Two students were talking about their teacher's wedding.
"It's ridiculous! Sure, he's rich, but he's 93 while she is just 26 years of age! What kind of wedding is that?" says one."Well, we have a name for that kind of wedding," says the other.

"Oh, yeah? What's that?"'
"We call it a football wedding."
"A football wedding? But what's a football got to do with marriage?"
"She's just waiting for him to kick off!"

User support

A Microsoft support executive goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target. The supervisors check the target and report that not a single bullet hit the target.

Surprised at this, he tells them to check again. The supervisors report again that he has missed the target completely.

He, then puts his finger at the nozzle and fires, making a mess of his own hand. "I don't know, it's working perfectly fine here. The problem must be at your end," he shouts back.

The ape act

Once a hat seller was passing through a forest on his way home. Tired by the
day's work, he decided to relax under the shade of a tree. So tired was he, that in no time he fell asleep. An hour later when he woke up, he was transfixed to see his basket of hats completely empty.

He looked around and was saw that some monkeys on the tree under which he slept were wearing all his hats. Disappointed, he sat there scratching his head, thinking of how to recover his hats from the naughty animals.

To his surprise, he noticed that the monkeys were imitating him. They too were scratching their heads. He took off his hat slowly and the monkeys did the same. Next moment, he threw his hat on the ground to find the monkeys throwing all the hats in a similar fashion. He finally managed to get his hats back.

But this is not the end of the story....

Decades later, his grandson, also a hat seller by profession, was passing through the same forest. Tired by the day's work, he too decided to take a short nap under the tree. And when he woke up he saw monkeys wearing all his hats. He knew what to do as he had heard the story from his grandfather. He started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. Confident of success, he took off his hat and threw it on the ground exactly the way his grandfather had done years back.

But to his surprise, the monkeys did not do the same. Then, one monkey climbed down and grabbed his hat, gave him a tight slap and said, "And you think only you have a grandfather?


Drink to glory

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman managed to get himself a little drunk. On his way back, his car was swerving all over the road. A cop pulled him over.

"So," said the cop to him, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a broad smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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