Holy parrots

A woman had a female parrot that kept saying, 'Hello, I like you, I want you badly. Do you want to have some fun?' The woman was frantic and visited a priest to find a solution.

The priest asked her to bring the female parrot to her house. "Don't worry lady, I have two male parrots at home that keep reading the Holy book," said the priest.

The woman took her parrot to priest's home the very next day. Just when the female parrot saw the two male parrots reading the Holy book, it squawked, 'Hello, I like you, I want you badly. Do you want to have some fun?' The male parrots looked at each other and said, 'Put away the Holy book buddy, our prayers have been answered

Blonde gets a haircut

A blonde decided to get a haircut. She visited the saloon and asked the dresser for a quick trim. The dresser instructed her to sit and remove the pair of earphones she was wearing. "No, for God's sake, don't ask me to do that or else I'll die," she shouted. It took an hour for the dresser to trim her hair, working around her earphones. A month after, the blonde visited the saloon again.

But this time, the dresser quickly removed the phones off her ear and started trimming the hair. In no time, the blonde collapsed on the chair and died.
The dresser picked up her earphones and was transfixed to hear the cassette in the player say, "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in..."

Guardian angel

A man was walking down the street when he heard, "You take one more step, and you are finished. A brick will fall on you turning your head into a beaten watermelon."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
He was astonished. Minutes later, he was about to cross the road when he heard, "Stand still! One more step and a car will make a mincemeat of you."
The moment he stopped, a car came careening around the corner, missing him by inches.

"Where are you? And who are you?" the man demanded looking around, not to find anyone in the vicinity.
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Bond...James Bond

Once James Bond and a Telugu guy were flying together, seated next to each other.
Telugu Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?"
James Bond: "I am Bond…James Bond."
James Bond: "And you?"
Telugu Guy: "I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai...
Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata
Sai...Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata
Sai...Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva
Vvenkata Sai ...Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula
Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai."

James Bond collapses.

Looking for love

Bill is in his mid thirties. All his friends are married except him. He just dates and dates. Finally, his best friend asks him as to what’s the matter and why is he not getting married. "Are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" he demanded.
"No," Bill replies. "I meet many nice girls, but the moment I bring them home, my mother doesn't like them. So, my search is still on," said Bill in disgust.

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear old mother?"
After a few weeks, Bill bumps into his best friend again. "So, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?" he asks.
"Yes I found one just like mother. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
"Wow, which means that you are engaged, right?"
"No. My father can't stand her."

A Letter from a Software Professional!

Dear Ms. ABC,
Baby, I saw you while surfing on a local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time now, I 'v been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you seem to be the real debugger for me.

My life is just an uncompiled program and without you it will never produce an executable code. Your smile is so lovely that it encourages me and gives power to equal to thousands of CPUs. When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /* which I never experienced before */.

With this letter, I just want to convey that if we linked together, I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall which your parents might install. I've strong hacking capabilities by which, I'll ultimately break into their security password and make them agree for our networking.

I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your database. My connect script should not fail or else my system crash will crash beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.

Only yours,
XYZ

Parent Teacher Meeting

During one of those parent teacher meetings, the the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and seemed to go wrong on a number of occasions."For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk at times."

"I don't understand that," I replied defensively. "Where the hell could she have picked that habit from?"

At this, the teacher reassured me that my daughter was doing fine otherwise and there is nothing alarming. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."

The inebriated clock

John was invited by his bachelor friends for an all-night party to celebrate his marriage. He promised his bride that he would be back home by midnight. Once at the party, one tall tale led to another and everyone bought him drinks. Before he knew it, it was about to be 3:00 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he took leave and ordered a cab home. Just as he got to the door, the old cuckoo clock struck three and cuckooed 3 times in usual fashion.

He was quick enough to realize that this would wake her up, so he cuckooed 9 more times. He was really proud of himself for having thwarted a possible conflict, even when he was drunk. Next morning, his wife asked him as to what time did he get in. "12 o'clock," he said. She then told him that next time they go shopping together; they would but a new clock.

"Why, what's wrong with this one?" he demanded. "Well, it first cuckooed 3 times as usual, said 'Damn it', cuckooed another 4 times, belched, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and then giggled."

Experience

An ex-serviceman was telling young officers about how experienced he was, his times in the service, and how he handled officers--be it any rank. "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off," said he.

"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young officers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon," replied he .

Compassionate lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one of them.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children too!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "You too come with us."

Traffic tiff

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summon. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called, late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the day and he would have to return the next day.

"WHAT FOR?!?!?" he snapped at the judge. The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars. Contempt of court! That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented, ""That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The guy replied... "I know...I'm just checking if I have enough for two more words

The best anesthesia

A man who had been operated on very recently kept complaining of a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since he had been operated on the leg, there was no reason why he complained of a headache. His nurse suspected that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

"Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic," assured the doctor.

The wedding deal

Just before the ceremony, the groom approached the priest and said, "Look, I'll give you $100 if you change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." With that, he passed a $100 bill in priest's hand and walked away satisfied.

When it is time for the groom's vows, the priest looks at the young man and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped, looked around, and said, "Yes," in a very low tone.

"But I thought we had a deal," he asked the priest after the ceremony. The priest put the $100 bill into his hand and said, "Grow up in life, my son. She made me a much better offer."

Damn the president

A marine colonel stuck in a massive traffic jam, notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars. He rolls down his window and asks, ''Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up for?''
''The President is so depressed about the impeachment the opposition parties have planned against him that he has stopped his motorcade right in the middle of the road.

He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and immolate himself. He says that even his family hates him and he does not have $33 million that he owes his lawyers.

I'm walking around collecting money for him,'' explains the officer.
''Oh really? How much have you collected so far?'' asks the colonel.
'About three hundred gallons of gasoline. But I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!''

Food That Pains

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG...".

"Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have had or will have it one fine day. Can anyone tell me what food is it that causes prolonged pain and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and quipped, "The wedding cake."

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