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Gates on cars

In one of the computer expositions, Mr. Gates was commenting on the state of the industry. "Had GM followed our practices and kept up with technology just like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25 only with an average of 1000 miles per gallon," he said.

Recently, GM addressed the comment by releasing a statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day with a new version of it coming out every year?"

Portrait mystery

Wife of a very successful businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. She explained to the artist what she wanted, "You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they should all be there on the canvas. But on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds.

Do you understand?"The artist looked at her in surprise and asked why does she want him to put some ugly details on the canvas but but adorn herself with phony jewels.
She replied, "When I die, I know for sure that my husband will re-marry. All I want is, his new wife to go crazy looking for these."


Blondes make good drivers

A blonde met with a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and started applying fresh lipstick when the constable arrived. "My God!" the constable gasped. "Your car looks like a accordion stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK lady?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the constable asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing that can happen to anybody!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere a TREE pops up in front of me.

So I swerved to the right, only to find another tree! I swerved to the left and there was yet ANOTHER tree! I served to the right again but there it was, another one. So, I swerved to the left..."
"Uh, lady", the constable said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. I guess it was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Bad Memory

William was becoming forgetful enough. So much so, that he even forgot his own name at times. His wife convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.

"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure where I parked the car, or whether I had a bath, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. I really need your help doctor. All this is driving me mad. What can I do?"
The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in a low tone, "There is a solution to it but pay me in advance."

Drink problem

After collecting his salary, a man went straight to the bar instead of heading home and squandered all his money. When he finally returned home, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it, if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"

"That would suit me just fine!" the man said.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see his wife. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

Exact Time

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Arkansas town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator finally gave in to her curiosity and asked the man why he called for the time every day.

"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All these years, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."


President Bush & The Queen

President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly
formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride towards Buckingham Palace, each looking sidewaysand waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides to explain the situation.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets....I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control". George W. Bush, a gentleman forever, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought......you know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."


Plain English

A man complained of not being able to do all the things around the house, the way he used to do a few years back. The doctor examined him thoroughly and said nothing for a long time.

Curosity got better of him and he asked, "Doc, why the hell are you so silent? Now, tell me in plain English what exactly is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're lazy."

"Okay," said the man, "Now give me some nice medical term for it."
"Lazy simply means lazy in plain English. But why do you ask that?," queried the doctor.
"For my wife's sake," replied the man.

How high can they go?

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten foot fence. He was out the next morning. A twenty foot fence was put up. He got out again.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you they can go?"
"About a thousand feet, I guess, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

God's grace

A man was talking to the God and thanking him for all that He had given him.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?" he asked again.
"So you could love her, my son."

"And why did you make her such a good cook?" he queried further.
"So you could love her, my son."
The man thought about this and said, "Well, I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."

Old Rope

A monastery in Europe was situated on a high cliff and the only way to get there was through a suspended basket pulled to the top by several monks. The ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old, frayed and had developed tear ends.

With a trembling voice, he asked a the monk riding up with him, "How often do they change the rope?"
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks, my son."

Pet's burial

Little Tim filling a hole in the garden when his neighbour and asked, "Hey! What are you up to?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried it."

"But that's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" said the neighbour in surprise.

Tim, patting down the last heap of earth, replied, "That's because it is still inside your stupid cat."


Battery problem

A user called the customer service center of a pager company. He complained that somebody by the nam e of Lucille was paging him repeatedly. And he wanted this to stop immediately. "Did she leave her number," asked the customer service agent.

"No, she does not and am tired of recieving the message again and again," replied the customer.

The agent promised to solve his problem and get back to him. After investigating his problem, the agent found that it was a numeric pager that the customer owned. So, he decided to call the customer. "Sir, if I may ask, how do you come to know that it is Lucille that pages you, especially when she does not leave her number." queried the agent.

"She leaves her name," was the reply. Baffled at how somebody could page her name to someone who owns a numeric pager, the agent asked, "And how does she spell her name?"

"L-O-W C-E-L-L!", said the frustrated customer.

Smart lawyer

A doctor's car collided with that of a lawyer. On seeing that the doctor was a bit shaken up and nervous, the lawyer helped the him get out of the car. He also offered the doctor a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted the drink and after taking few gulps, handed the flask back to the lawyer. "Why don't you help yourself with a drink as well?" asked the doctor. "Sure, I will. But only after the police has left," replied the lawyer.

The Ugly Son

A middle-aged couple had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant again and finally delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look at the child and was horrified to see the ugliest boy he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could have fathered that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time honey."

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