Blonde brains

Elly, beautiful but dumb blonde was worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?

Profession

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tiny bikini strolled passed.

The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How you're doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.

"Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife.

"Errr... Just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.

"Oh yeah?" snarled his wife, "Whose profession? Yours or hers?"

Employment policy

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them. Precisely the reason why we save a lot in terms of training cost."

What does it smell like

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves - the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Truth

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Dreams

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."

"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."

His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?"

"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."

Stuck behind

After he finished his route, a bus driver had to explain to the supervisor, why he was 10 minutes late; "I was stuck behind a big truck."

"But yesterday you were 10 minutes early," reminded the boss.

"Yeah, the bus driver replied. "But yesterday I was stuck behind a Porsche."

Blonde wife

A man and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.

"Jay's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.

"Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park..." when the power goes off. Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

Remembering the past

An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?" The old man grabs the old woman's hand.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?" The old man puts his arm around the old woman.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?" To the old woman's surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are you going?" she says. The old man replies, "I'm going to get my dentures."

Al's Barn

Al's barn burned down, and, Mary, his wife, called the insurance company.
Mary: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Now just a minute, Mary, it doesn't work quite like that.

We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Mary, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Sue me…

Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

'Can she cook like I can?' the distraught woman asked between sobs.
'Not on her best day,' he replied.

'Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?'

'No, she's broke.'
'Well, then, is it sex?'
'Nobody does it like you, babe.'
'Then what can she do that I can't?'
'...Sue me for child support.'

Banta's interview

Once Banta Singh attended an interview.

Interviewer: Give me the opposite for Made in India
Banta Singh: Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer: Keep it Up
Banta Singh: Put it Down
Interviewer: Maximum
Banta Singh: Maxi Dad
Interviewer: Enough! Take your seat
Banta Singh: Don't take my seat
Interviewer: Idiot! Take your seat
Banta Singh: Clever! Don't take my seat
Interviewer: I say you get out!
Banta Singh: You didn't say I come in
Interviewer: I reject you!
Banta Singh: You Appoint me
Interviewer: ....!!!!!!!

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