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Generous paramour

A man returning home a day early from his trip schedules, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the driver if he would be a witness, as the man suspected his wife was having an affair and expected to catch her in the act. The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you. Who do you think paid for our new boat? He did!"

The husband looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

The driver smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches a cold."


Mr. Briggs was in his secretary's apartment. He woke up and was astonished to find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"

Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. "Honey!" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"

Final Answer

A man was feeling frisky one night and snuggled up to his wife, when she turned to him and said; " Sorry, I have a headache"

The man hesitated and replied; " Is that your final answer?"
His wife snapped back; " Yes that's my final answer"
"Well" he said; " In that case, may I phone a friend?"


All in the family

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.
Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Getting married

"Honey," said a husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."


Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!" When he looked at Frank's card, it said, "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom.

And personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther Kings Birthday?"

Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."


Little Johnny eating a candy bar

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

Efficiency Expert

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Please do not try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Honey,' I suggested, 'why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

Friend’s misery

Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of
tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in? The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars." That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"I'd like that.""Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

"The how come you look so glum?"

"This week - nothing!"

Dumb Hubby

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"




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